Perhaps...this is not my place either

Few people in this world know feels truly despise.. and i'm just in that group...can you blame us?

The best part of university study is internship .. which is what i'm facing currently now... despite of what i should have...i find kind of it happen via-versa..... Lately i feel everything such a mess..so much problems around me...i also don't sure how to synchronize the flow of my life anymore..I wish i could turn back the time..,i want to stop myself in the past for making decision to be such 'good student' ..i want to ask myself in the past to copy assignments,and send assignment that can guarantee me to get high marks...copy in test...and do whatever it should..which is a desire that alive for sudden inside me, to become "normal student".i also want to stop myself in the past stay up in the morning studding like hell about Linux , programming, security , hacking and i want to stop myself from involve in open source activities..and only do whatever necessary to get great pointer...that wish appears again..and again..and again..in my mind...no matter how much i try to convince myself that i have choose the right path...i feel i still regret for what i have now.. this stupid wish most of the time creating useless imagination in my mind..disturb my concentration of doing works...

Today i meet office-mate's friend(assume his friend name is Z),who currently working for PETRONAS Bangi. As i could recall,i noted today as one of history in my life because occur the longest conversation ever happen between us at lunch break. We spend 3 hours talking about Z job problem only .Why? he said he merely survive every month because of low salary from PETRONAS. He said his salary can't even support his loan,petrol and food ...He compared this situation with his previous working place,which he said he got around 4k/month where it totally covers more than enough..

I said how come that situation can happen..from what i heard basic salary for Petronas worker at starting is 3.5k..is that not enough??....then he replied that is true for degree holder...which is totally differ for diploma holder, 1.2k a month...

then for sudden the attention change to me....they start asking how much do i get and what kind of works that i'm doing right now. I point it the amount and describe a bit about my works....which is of course most of parts are learning,not much contributing to company. He said i should be grateful ... having such great place and great allowance ..etc...My office mates also keep reminding me that after he pay his car loan,home loan,go back to hometown...etc...his salary basically just similar with me even he is permanent worker and I'm just period trainee...i smiled..and speechless....deep in my heart...there is something hurting me so much for sudden.....and i don't know why... and i try my best to hide from them!

Perhaps it is because i feel they see me as a robot...while they are doing normal human life...i do have loan to pay,phone bills...petrol...i do need to buy something sometime that desperately forcing me to borrow money for that. I do have home that i need to go back to see my father,mother,brother and sister....but nobody seems to care about that..i don't ask them to care either....i just ask them to step in my shoes and understand that I'm also living thing...i have much more thing to think rather than spending money for food only..

I know and they don't need to keep remind me the same thing...which is i get that based on my work..I'm just trainee anyway...why hope to get much...i already said before i never care about how much i get...as long i can survive...but can i really survive now?they are right..i should not claim much..their points are accurate and precise..no doubt..but there is a point that they miss..

it is not that I'm not able to play role of contributing..it is just that i don't get works . If i can't do something...i can learn...if i do something wrong..i can correct it..and won't repeat the same mistake...but nobody seems to allows that..

so here right now...i don't know what should i do..except crying alone at night...except searching place to work part-time at night ...except to regret the path that i choose at night..

I feel really useless..blur...and feel like i'm freezing right now...every step that i walk feel so heavy and full of regret.... but i still believe...there is of course sometime good is waiting for me...this painful,burden just for a while...i need to keep smiling...survive..no matter what...

I swear i will make sure i will get those certificate no matter what, and i'm sure those certificates will pay back my sacrifices before this...it will sort the mess.....and it will convince myself that I'm not wrong by choosing this path....

so I'm waiting to see....how it should goes from now on...

so I'm waiting to see...how it turn to be 'hikmah' at the end..